Kathleen Blanco reminds me of that old Saturday Night Live skit of Oklahoma, you know the one where the guy used to get answers wrong so they would give him a wedgie? Wasn't it called 'Wedgie Fever'? Anyway, our Governor made a speech last night making demands about playing 'Hardball' with the federal government and threatened to cut off our nose to in spite of our face. From Newshorn.com

Louisiana is fighting for 50% of the oil and gas royalties from off-shore drilling. We need this money to finance a comprehensive hurricane protection and coastal restoration system. The two storms melted 100 square miles of coastline into the sea. Our fragile environment changes the way we do business.

If no effort is made to guarantee our fair share of royalties, I have warned the federal government that we will be forced to block the August sale of off-shore oil and gas leases. Industry leaders understand our predicament. It's time to play hardball, as I believe that's the only game Washington understands.

OOOOOOOOKLAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAA! Does this make sense too you? The governor has gotten us into this predicament by demanding the federal government give us excessive aid. When you need people's help, you ask, not demand. When you need people's assistance, you ask for what you need, not ask for an excessive amount so that it gets tied up in debate. Be reasonable, not a powerbroker.

If she thinks that she is holding some trump card she needs to take a dose of reality. I get these strange images in my head of George W. Bush asking a question and Kathleen Blanco answering with "Oklahoma". Then George Bush says, "I'm sorry, wrong answer" and Kathleen Blanco gets her panties pulled up a little more as the crowd chants "Wedgie Fever".

She might as well reach around herself, grab her own panties and tug upwards. It's absolutely excruciating to watch.

Speaking of Oklahoma and Louisiana, there seems to be a bit of a rivalry developing between the two states. First it was the Sugar Bowl when LSU and Oklahoma played for the National Title. LSU upset Oklahoma and the crystal ball rest nicely in Baton Rouge. In return, Oklahoma took the Hornets from Nawlins and all their games are played in Oklahoma City.

For that, I would suggest a bit of retaliation, let's steal their governor and give them ours. Okay, so that isn't adding to the rivalry, but instead would rather create a war. Look, I was just kidding, I know dems fightin words, but it's just a joke.

However, many of us down here in Louisiana do wish she'd go up to Oklahoma and get lost, better yet, take a permanant vacation there. That is not a joke. Nothing against Oklahoma, I just still picture Kathleen Blanco on an episode of "Wedgie Fever"

Moving on up!

Not too sound like a Texan but YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAW! It must feel good for some of these people that were still living in hotels to finally get evicted. They were living at the hotels on your buck and mine since hurricane Katrina struck. Now, they can pay their own way in life. Nothing to help ones self esteem like paying their own way through life. I was really concerned about their self-esteem. How can one actually feel good about theirself when they do nothing but free load?

Hopefully they figure out that life waiting on hand-outs just isn't a life. Life was meant to be lived. Life is facing challenges. Life is overcoming sorrows. Without a little pain, how can one ever learn what happiness is about? Without struggles, how can one ever appreciate their gains? I know the weak minded among my readers will protest everything I just said, but most of you understand exactly what I am talking about. Life is much more enjoyable with struggles, it's horrible without it.

I called it!

Many of you have expressed outrage with Coretta King's memorial services turning into a political rally. As Louisiana Conservative readers know, we already dealt with this in our "Liberal church"

We'll now pass the plate whilst Kanye West sings a song in the memory of Coretta Scott King. For those of you who have yet to return your unwanted tax refund, you may do so now.

This was followed by a quick prayer and the song "in the memory of Coretta Scott King"?

♪♫ 'Bush hates New Yorkers, he knowed before 9-11' ♫
♫♫ 'Two towers down, Bush ain't gonna heaven' ♪
♪♫ 'In 2000, he wouldn't count our vote' ♫
♫'In Nawlins, he wouldn't send my people a boat!'♫♪
♪♫ 'Yeah we all know, Bush hates people of color' ♫
♫♫ 'yeah kill the Iraqis, they da wrong color' ♪
♪♫ 'minorities wait for the red phone to ring' ♫
♫'Bush blowed us all up, cuz he thinks he's a king!'♫♪

That's exactly right, you "honor" her by blasting Bush. Now the liberal church ain't so funny, is it?

First I want to send congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning Superbowl XL and Pittsburgh proved they are good enough to be Superbowl Champions.

That being said, I was highly disappointed in this Superbowl. The only thing that lived up to its reputation was the commercials. Man, there was some good ones like the Ameritrade and as usual Budwieser. My favorite one was the Sierra Mist commercial.

But the pre-game show never captured my interest except for when Tom Jackson seemed to lose his cool when Michael Irvin and Steve Young disagreed with him. I expected a better pre-game show from ESPN.

Then came the terrible calls from the refs. First the "offensive pass interference" that cost Seattle a touchdown and forced them to settle on three points. Then there was the call that went for a Pittsburgh touchdown that wasn't. That was on third down, had the refs called that play correctly, the Steelers would have the ball fourth and one at the goal line and probably would have settled on a field goal... that's an eight point swing in Seattle's favor. Thank you NFL refs for screwing up the first half.

The NFL screwed up the halftime show by selecting the Rolling Stones to perform. I was waiting for Mick Jaggers pants to slip off, plus he dances like a chicken. Okay, Mick Jagger was cool once, like twenty or thirty years ago, but I wish the NFL would get a little more contemporary with their music. Not somebody who looks like their drunk on Ensure.

The second half was just as horrible as the first, as far as the refs are concerned. We had a pass completion by Seattle to the one yard line called back for a fictitious holding penalty, and if it was a holding call, then the refs should have called it against Pittsburgh late in the fourth quarter.

Then Seattle's quarterback gets called for an "illegal block" on the guy who intecerpeted him. How do you get called for an "illegal block" while tackling the guy with the ball? It was clearly a legal tackle but no, the refs had to tack on an additional fifteen yards.

If that wasn't enough, Hasselback runs for a first down, gets tackled, hits the ground and the ball comes out after he was down. What do the refs do? Why, that's a fumble of course. Sure it was overturned but it should never had to have gone to review. Just another bad call by the refs that went against Seattle.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that Pittsburgh won. It's just a shame that they had so much help from the refs. I feel for Seattle and their fans that the game wasn't decided on the field, but by zebras.

Worship songs play -
"America the Terrible" - Choir
"Gimme Shelter (from the Bush Administration)" - The Rolling Stones
"Taking down that Nazi Bush!" - Choir (Julian Bond - lead vocals)

Eeeaaayaaaa! That's one of my favorite songs! It gets my blood boiling and I realize how important our work is so much so that it brings tears to my eyes. Anyway, welcome to the First Church of Democrats and we are so happy that you made it today! I'm the Revrund Blowhard Dean. You may have noticed that smell coming out of my mouth. As you already know, my father is the Bull-God 'Apis' or more commonly known as Taurus. So as you sit through today's sermon, you will continue to smell that because whenever I talk, it just naturally smells like B.S.

Many people asked me, 'why didn't we have church last week?'. That's a very good question, but Saturday was a busy day for us. We had a report that black helicopters dropped invisible ninja's off at our compound so we spent the day searching for spy technology. This Bush administration doesn't respect freedom. He's worse than Adolf Hitler. Ask any of our Democratic Deacons, they'll re assure you that Bush is a Nazi. We had it cleared up by Sunday, but having a Democrat Church on Sunday just wouldn't do since that would be too Christian. Besides, as long as you know what to say, you will make it too our socialist heaven!

Just a couple of announcements today, first, our missionaries in Afghanistan and Iraq have successfully committed 4,158 acts of protest against Bush's Islamic Holocaust. Please keep the insurgents in your prayers and please donate when the plate is passed around.

Also, Tornados tore through New Orleans early Thursday morning. It's been well over 48 hours and Kathleen Blanco has yet to ask the Bush administration for Tornado relief. This can be a huge benefit to our party and our religion if she can distract Bush with an new argument over how much relief needs to be spent. I'm begging the congregation to put pressure on Kathleen Blanco to demand at least 65 billion dollars from the Bush administration for New Orleans tornado relief. It's absolutely incredible that she hasn't taken advantage of this situation yet. What is she thinking?

Finally, it's very important that we send good vibes to the Seattle Seahawks in Sunday's game. Whenever a left winger wins, we all win. Seattle is on the left coast and Pittsburgh is lost somewhere on the Right side. Also, the Seahawks wear blue. If you are a true blue stater, a yellow dog Democrat, you will cheer for the Seahawks. If any of you are caught cheering for the Steelers, you will be condemned as anti-American and we will file a report to the FBI that you have been taking part in terrorist activity. It is terrorism to oppose the Democrats!

We'll now pass the plate whilst Kanye West sings a song in the memory of Coretta Scott King. For those of you who have yet to return your unwanted tax refund, you may do so now.

Let us bow our head and make a payment. Father Taurus, we know that the time hath come that ye shalt send thy holy child to walk among us once again. Blessedeth is us to have been in your guidance, and that of the Holy Spirit, Che Guevara. We ask that you send more guidance, so that we may be great socialist. Let us not be tempted with selfish monetary desires such as tattoos, piercings, drugs, or alcohol. Bless us with the desire to give whole-heartedly with other people's money. Let us rise up in with compassion and force other people to give as we see fit for them to give. Oh great father, give us the wisdom to take a proper amount from other people so that we may live healthy lives.

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

Many people have suggested that we are unreasonable people and not the true moderates that we all know we are. Let me ask you this, would an extremist or unreasonable person call people names like those in the Nazi Bush Administration do. We don't falsely accuse people of being something their not like the Rich white Christian, extremist, anti-poor, anti-worker, anti-freedom, racist, facist, Nazi, homophobic, hatemongering, Republicans do. Saddam Hussien, need I say more? Here is a nice President who took good care of his people and Bush made up a bunch of lies about weapons of mass destruction and 9-11 just to get even with Hussien for daddy Bush. Next they'll start a war with France, Germany, England, or maybe even Mars! Eeaaiiiyyaaa!

The Democratic party is a party of reason. We don't condemn Bush for doing one thing, or another. Bush's policies have been all over the map! Immediately after 9-11, Bush wanted to do nothing about it. When he first found out about it, he tried to hide behind a children's book. What kind of coward hides behind children books while the nation is being attacked? Then he figured it wasn't safe enough to hide behind children so he got into his airplane and flew around all day. Unfortunately for that idiot, he would eventually run out of gas and have to land.

We were able to put enough pressure on Bush administration to go get Osama, but we should have known Bush would be too much of an anti-American coward to go after Osama. He went after weak nations like Afghanistan and Iraq! I guess he wanted to show the world that he wasn't the same coward as he was on 9-11. So he hastily went unilaterally into Iraq, with no help from any nation.

The Nazi, facist, coward, Bush selfishly went into Iraq, killing thousands of children all for oil. I'm sure that gold star mothers like Cindy Sheehan would rather have their sons back than to see Bush lining the pockets of his oil buddies!

Unfortunately this idiot, coward, racist, nazi, facist Republican, like all Republicans, hates the poor, the sick, the minorities, the working class, and muslims. They are actively seeking the extermination of all that oppose them. They senselessly torture people in their concentration camps for Muslims protestors.

They've taken over the press. The press was calling our Muslim protesters as terrorist, but fortunately they reduced it to insurgents. Still, it's our duty to our fellow protestors to keep the pressure on the facist right winged media to change the term 'insurgent' into 'Iraqi protestors' or at least, 'Muslim protestors'

Republicans are intolerant of every single one of our values! They can not be reasoned with. How can we ever expect to reason with people that are intolerant of our views? Republicans are filled with hate! Hate is never something you would see from a Democrat! Our party is a party that is full of good will towards our fellow man.

Those facist, Nazi, Neo-con, racist, Republicans are full of hatred towards everybody and it's the Democrat party protects the environment, civil liberties, free speech, freedom of religion (except for Christian conservatives) and the economy.

We have a plan, there is a better way! Our plan will save America from the Bush administration! Our plan is a better way than the way the facist, neo-con, Nazi, Republicans have led us.

We can not tell you the secrets of our plan, our better way, because the Bush administration will attack it as being pro-terrorist and use it against us to do even more spying on our church than they already have. But as any 'Yellow Dog Democratic Loyal Minion' will tell you, any plan is better than the Republicans. Republicans are just unreasonable, for the rich, against the poor, racist, neo-con, facist, Nazis! Don't trust them no matter what happens.

Bush will tell you that the Patriot act has prevented more terrorist attacks but that is a flat out lie. The reason we haven't had a terrorist attack in our country is that the terrorist see that most Americans want peace! They look at their televisions and see all the war protestors out there exercising their patriotism and Osama respects that! He doesn't want to attack innocent people here in the United States because he knows we are peace loving! We know, just as Osama knows that it's Bush who wants to kill innocent women and children and it's up to Osama to protect the children. Stand up for peace! Stand against the Bush administration! Vote Democrat! Besides, it's easier than getting a job.

Let us bow our heads and don't forget your payment. Holy father Taurus, we ask of you the divine guidance for those here today that have not sought out your salvation. Maybe you've strayed away from socialism and found yourself buying into Bush's lie about patriotism. You know better than to believe a Republicans. Look at your soul, you can feel it rotting away by listening to anything Bush says. Don't waste your valuable time listening to a Republican. Have faith in your Democratic Gods! We are your Gods, Bush Democrats, it's time for you to come back home. Seek Salvation, in the name of the holy spirit, Che Guevara.

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

You may come forward now and seek redemption by clicking on the button that says Pay Pal.

Last Weeks Sermon (II)

When Pittsburgh has the ball-

Pittsburgh has changed it up during the playoffs going directly to the pass to open up the run. This has given Pittsburgh success that's caught everybody off gaurd. Still it's not Cower's style and I think that Pittsburgh will run the ball more during the first half than they have the last three games. Still, I don't expect the Steelers will get too far from success and expect more passes than runs during the first half.

Seattle will be prepared for a Steeler team that tries to open up the run with the pass. Seattle should focus on the pass but the key here is going to be on the front four. If Seattle's front four will have to get pressure on big Ben and close the gaps along the line. Seattle also can't get so caught up in defending the pass that they ignore the run, which is my biggest concern for this Seahawk defense.

Seattle has got to force some three and outs against the Steelers. Denver put the Steelers in third and long all day, but Pittsburgh was able to convert. Seattle has to get their defense off the field in those situations. If not, Pittsburgh's offense will get hot.

When Seattle has the ball-

Offensively the Hawks are going to have to get Alexander's legs moving. Run some sweeps to Joey Porter's side early and often. Keep Porter guessing and wear him out. Second, Seattle can not get caught up in second, third and longs. They have to pick up four or five yards consistently on first down. I expect to see Seattle passing on first down during their first three series.

Play action pass early in the first quarter is probably a good idea. Penalties, Seahawks have to avoid offensive penalties throughout this game. Holding is fine but no false starts. False starts will stall this team against the Steelers.

Stop Sean Alexander. Steelers will spend a lot of capital into stopping the Seahawk run game and will take the chance at forcing the birds to beat them through the air. Pressure Hasselback! Send in early blitzes to get Hasselbacks uniform dirty. If they can do that, they can force Seattle to get to the run earlier.

Over all, I think both these teams are very evenly matched. This could be one of the best superbowls ever and that's exactly what I am going to predict.

Now that I have my winning percentage secured, it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right. Because everybody is sucking up to Pittsburgh Steelers, I'm going to go against the grain and pick da Seaburdz.

AV~Picks: Seaburdz 27 Pittsburgh 24 (OT)

Civil rights activist and NAACP Chairman Julian Bond delivered a blistering partisan speech at Fayetteville State University in North Carolina last night, equating the Republican Party with the Nazi Party and characterizing Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and her predecessor, Colin Powell, as "tokens."

I know a lot of you are thinking that he only called the Bush administration Nazis but the reason they do this is to call all Republicans Nazis. What's so sad about this is the Republicans get "offended" over comments like these but only hold it against the individual that made the comment. Yet, time and time again, the person making the comment is cheered and praised for making such comments.

If we Republicans ever really want to get serious about ending the comments such as Bond's recent comments, we need to start holding our Democrat friends accountable for the comments. Too many times Democrats will tell you that they might agree with Bush being a Nazi but "not all Republicans are like that" but the damage continues to be done.

Those Democrats are the very same Democrats that allow people such as Cindy Sheehan, Harry Belafonte, Michael Moron, and Julian Bond as their leadership. It's way past time for us on the Right side of the aisle to hold all leftist accountable for those comments. If they weren't responsible, then why do they continue to allow their leftist views to be represented that way?

Fact of the matter is, though they won't say it in front of us (Republicans), they will continue to say it among their friends. If the Republicans don't like it, they need to stand up for theirselves, if they enjoy it, continue to play nice with Democrats, I assure you, they won't stop calling you a Nazi as long as you play nice with them.

Overall I found the speech really impressive. Usually I have a hard time listening to Bush but he kept my attention last night. After he finished I thought to myself that was perhaps his best speech yet.

The one moment that stuck in my mind more than any other was when Bush addressed congress's inaction concerning Social Security. I understand opposition and understood the moans and groan from the Democrats and the cheers from Republicans, I understood that. When the Democrats cheered because congress failed to act on Social Security, I thought that was really tacky.

I haven't seen or heard much about what other people thought about the speech but I'd be really surprised if that wasn't a moment that caught everybodies attention last night. Democrats made a huge mistake in cheering that Social Security was not reformed. I often talk about how Democrats have become a cult and not a political party but that even caught me off gaurd.

I also watched Tim Kaine's "Democratic response" and couldn't believe that the Democrats selected this guy. It was like watching a ten minute campaign commercial and the whole "We can do better" theme just didn't work for me. I turned on the old winamp and had to find a sappy song that tried to find the right mood for Tim's speech. I settled on 'The Farm" from 'Road to Perdition' which seemed to have the right feel. Tim Kaine came off like the coach of a team that just lost the Superbowl, saying that his team is superior to the team that walked off the field victorious and it's the ref's fault his team lost 58-0.

Seriously, "We can do better"? What was that supposed to do? Was I supposed to feel inspired? Bush hasn't inspired me, but Tim Kaine made George Bush look like Lou Holtz or Vince Lombardi. I don't know what Newt Gingrich saw in Tim Kaine's response but either he didn't watch the same speech I saw, Newt was smoking grass, or he was just saying nice things about Kaine. Democrats probably lost another 1% of their voters last night alone.

And Cindy Sheehan? When's this girl going to smarten up and realize that her folk hero status isn't real? Where were the Democrat Senators that invited her to the speech? She sat right next to them and while Cindy is getting arrested, did any of them protest? Obviously it was a stunt, but was it a stunt that the Senators pulled to embarrrass Cindy Sheehen, that Cindy pulled without her Democrat leaders knowledge, or was it pre-planned by all of them?

How on earth are we not supposed to question their "Patriotism"? She runs around bashing the President of the United States, complaining about the United States, hating the United States and doing this in countries that treats its citizenry worse than the United States ever will.

Let's take a look at Cindy's latest lunacy. For those of you who like Cindy Sheehan, this is how she representes you. For those of you that like Sheehan, don't tell me not to question your patriotism, you show us all what an enemy of the state you are by supporting her. Yes Mythical Moore, you are a United States hater.

When we all know that patriotism in the US means: exploiting others' love for country by sending them and their children off to sacrifice for my bank balance!

Right, I take it that the Civil War, World War I, and World War II were just wars to kill children so the Republicans can fill their bank accounts, correct?

I believe the notion of patriotism has been expediently and nefariously exploited, and used to lead our nation into scores of disastrous and needless wars.

Yes, especially the bloodiest of American wars otherwise known as the Civil War. If Cindy Sheehan had her way, blacks would still be slaves. Jews would still be slaughtered or exterminated in concentration camps. Needless wars? Exactly what "Scores" of needless wars is she talking about? Does that include the American Revolution? Was that a needless war Komrade Sheehan?

The vile sputum of "if you aren't with us, then you are against us" is basically the epitome of patriotism gone wild.

Actually it's not Bush that's convinced me the Democrat party, Michael Moore, and Cindy Sheehan are uniting behind our enemies in hopes the United States goes down in defeat, it's the actions of the Democrat party, Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan that's convinced me. Standing side by side with Hugo Chavez, saying that Bush equals Hitler, and bashing the United States means you are not with me. It means that you are my enemy. You betray your fellow countrymen by siding with the enemy, unless of course, you consider Benedict Arnold 'Patriotic'

misguided vengeance to send our young people to die and kill in two countries that were no threat to the USA or to our way of life.

Nothing misguided or vengeful when people hi-jack planes and crash them into buildings to kill thousands of innocent people? In fact Ms. Sheehan, when exactly was the last time you said anything against the terrorist that did this? In fact Ms. Sheehan, what are your solutions other than to have the United States cowar away from a fight? Surrender?

The neocons exploited patriotism to fulfill their goals of imperialism and plunder.

Odd that she says this on the same day that she stood side by side with a man who uses his oil profits to build up his military, create troubles throughout Central America, and bent on controlling all of Latin America.

This sort of patriotism begins when we enter kindergarten and learn the nationalist "Pledge of Allegiance." It transcends all sense when we are taught the "Star Spangled Banner," a hymn to war. In our history classes the genocide of the Native American peoples is glossed over as we learn about the spread of American Imperialism over our continent, though it wasn't named until the 1840's, when the doctrine of Manifest Destiny was expounded to justify the USA's conquest of and "civilizing" of Mexican territories and Native American populations. Manifest Destiny sought to spread the "the boundaries of freedom" to the American Continent, with the notion that we have a special mission from God. Sound familiar?.

I thought God was mad at the United States for going to Iraq which is why he hit New Orleans with Katrina. That, and to make it 'Chocolate City'. So it's not just God that Liberals take offense too? It's the Pledge of Allegiance too? It's the Battle Hymn of the Republic? In fact, it's not just "Bush's war" that Cindy objects to, it's everything the United States has ever done.

Matriotism is the opposite of patriotism...not to destroy it, but to be a yin to its yang, and balance out the militarism of patriotism.

We are the Ying to its Yang. How many times have we convinced Israel to not wipe out the Palestinians? How many times? The Palestinians keep attacking and attacking and whenever Israel has the Palestinians by the throat, we go over there and stop them. We're guilty of 9-11, I'll admit that, but if we're guilty of 9-11, it's because we allowed the Palestinians to survive much longer than they ever should have. We've protected the Palestinians time after time after time and the way they've repaid us is to attack us. We've prevented war too much Ms Sheehan. We've prevented it so much that now the rest of the world thinks our nation as cowardly as they see you.

However, a Matriot also knows that when her country is wrong, it can be responsible for murdering thousands upon thousands of innocent and unsuspecting humans.

Exactly what is she talking about here? Is she talking about all those times we've come to the rescue of the Palestinians while Israel had them pinned down? Or is she talking about how our government did nothing while thousands of Rwandans were slaughter by machetes?

A true Matriot would never drop an atomic bomb or bombs filled with white phosphorous, carpet bomb cities and villages, or control drones from thousands of miles away to kill innocent men, women and children.

Nope, they'd wait around for somebody else to drop them on us.

War will end forever when we matriots stand up and say: "No, I am not giving my child to the fake patriotism of the war machine which chews up my flesh and blood to spit out obscene profits."

Wars will continue to exist as long as people disagree. We all have something we believe in and we are all different. It's our differences that leads us to disagreements. It's our differences that leads us to battle. It's our differences that leads us to war. Cindy, the only way to permanantly end wars is to be willing to go to war at any time. The desire for peace only leads to more war. The desire for peace only encourages your enemies to fight stronger, harder. It's the over zealous want of peace that invites war. Ms. Sheehan, your actions encourages war.

Now I know you libs are going to complain that I'm being mean but I don't care anymore. You want us to not say how unpatriotic you are but at the same time, in every action you take, you stand against the United States? If anybody should apologize, it's you folks on the left. Either be for the U.S. or be for the enemies of the United States, but quit trying to hide who you are under the phrase "don't question my patriotism". If you folks really love this country, apologize.

The two things that made a difference yesterday was the bounce of the ball. Pittsburgh and Seattle got all the right bounces while Carolina and Denver couldn't get the ball to bounce their way at all. It's just the way the game breaks sometime. The big play that I'm thinking about is the near interception by Champ Bailey that went off his shoulder pads and into the hands of the Pittsburgh receiver.

The other key to both Seattle and Pittsburgh winning was simply that they both wanted to win more than yesterdays losers. They just outplayed their respective opponents a little more on each play. Again, thinking about the Bronco-Steeler game, how many times did Pittsburgh get stopped on first and second down only to convert on third down? The Steelers just imposed their will on offense, defense, and special teams.

As much as I hate to say it, congratulations to Pittsburgh and Seattle on a terrific season. I'm sad eyed and don't really care to see either one win the game, but by next Sunday, I'll be reved up for one heck of a Superbowl. I expect an Xtra-Large game.

I'm not sure who I'm going to root for this year. I typically choose the AFC, I am a Bronco fan so I gotta stick with the AFC. Then again, Seattle is an old AFC West team, though they are NFC. Ohh the delimna, why couldn't the Broncos just win and make it easy on me?

Worship songs play -
"Onward Socialist Soldier" - Choir
"Ebony And Ivory" - Duet by Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco
"Beneath The Cross Of Saddam" - Choir (Al Franken on Piano)

Today I'll need your full attention. You are going to have to get past my good looks so I suggest that you close your eyes so you won't be mesmerized! First, we have a few announcements to make. Ladies and gentlemen, we must boycott American Idol because they are homophobic. Okay, who's stupid idea is this? It's bad enough you want me to go see Brokeback Mountain, now you want me to boycott American Idol? Screw this announcement! Whoever slipped this into the announcemnets, ask for forgiveness and donate money. Also, if you haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, please donate the ticket price and the cost of a large bucket of popcorn when the plate gets passed around.

In other announcements, our missionaries in Afghanistan and Iraq have successfully committed 4,067 acts of protest against Bush's Islamic Holocaust. Please keep the insurgents in your prayer and please donate when the plate is passed around. That's 60 this week alone!

Also, as most of you are aware, Aquaman is concerned about the new Gestapo of Homeland Security so much that he went into hiding. Aquaman, as you may recall is one of the Superfriends. He had an urgent message concerning the war in Iraq and sent a whale to warn us, but since Bush and Blair would not listen to his message, the whale died.

Finally, this is a very important announcement! Many of you in the congregation have selfishly been eating fast food. If you continue to eat fast food, the Gods will seek vengeance by making your children obese and could lead to heart attax! You may ask for forgiveness by donating twice as much as you spent when the plate gets passed around.

We'll now pass the plate whilst Hillary Clinton sings "Free At Last!", for those of you who have yet to return your unwanted tax refund, you may do so now.

Let us bow our head and make a payment. Mother Venus, we know that the time hath come that ye shalt send thy holy child to walk among us once again. Blessedeth is us to have been in your guidance, and that of the Holy Spirit, Che Guevara. We ask that you send more guidance, so that we may be great socialist.

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

Recently we celebrated one of our holiest days, Dr. Martin Luther King. Since last week Hal Bored put us to sleep, I mean, had an important message for us, we celebrate Dr. King today.

Tolerance! What is it? What exactly does tolerance mean? Well that's what I'm going to talk to you about. Tolerance can be summed up very simply. Take your pen and write this down. If you walk out of this church today knowing nothing else, know this. Tolerance is a one way street! You tolerate us, but we don't have to tolerate you. Let me repeat that. Tolerance is a one way street! You tolerate us, but we don't have to tolerate you.

I'm going to give you a few examples of tolerance to help clarify that. It's perfectly okay to vandalize people's activities that are intolerant of a woman's choice! In Baton Rouge recently some of our warriors destroyed 600 crosses memorializing aborted fetuses and threw them into Bushes! How ironic is that? That was a brilliant move to throw the crosses into the Bushes! They felt that all the way to the White House.

Of course, anytime you come across an anti-choice person, you put them in the same class as those that bomb the abortion clinics and shoot doctors! They are in the same class because they aren't tolerant of your beliefs!

Tolerance is allowing the rainbow flag to fly where ever it finds it self. To let our "Rainbow Warriors" march and protest where ever they and how ever they want. Some people thinks tolerance means live and let live, but they are wrong! It means enjoying watching the pride parades! It means going to cross-dressing shows! It means having them over to your house and having a quiet evening dinner with them!

Tolerance does not mean going to a "Church" where they open a bible. It does not mean letting somebody wave a confederate flag. It does not mean letting somebody drive an SUV, except of course, your socialist leaders.

It means anything a Republican says is subject to scrutiny. Anything we want to call a racial comment is and the Republican should have known ahead of time that it was going to be racist when he said it, thus qualifies him as a racist for saying.

It does not mean that Cruz Bustamante is racist when he uses the "N-word" or that Ray-cist Nagin er Willy Wonka.... Oops, I meant Ray Nagin when he said "chocolate city"

Folks, I hear a siren definitely an ambulance coming our way. It sounds like it's only two miles away so I have just enough time to say a quick prayer then I got to go! It's an emergency, I have business to tend.... uh... I mean, I have to help somebody.

Let us bow our heads and don't forget your payment. Holy Mother, we ask of you the divine guidance for those here today that have not sought out your salvation. Maybe you've strayed away from socialism and found yourself buying a new video game, a new car, or even a home. You know better than to go buy it. Deep down in your heart, you know that you are supposed wait until one of the revrunds gives it to you. Don't waste your money on a double cheeseburger from McDonald's, just give it to me! To seek salvation, they must give at least $100 to receive forgiveness and $100,000 to receive a full pardon from Father Clinton. Seek Salvation, in the name of the holy spirit, Che Guevara.

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

You may come forward now and seek redemption by clicking on the button that says Pay Pal.

Last Weeks Sermon

Dear Orama,

On February 23th, 1998, YOU declared war on all Americans with your "religious ruling". You followed that up with an attack directly on our military. That attack did not arouse the Clinton administration so you decided to attack us again on 9-11. Since your "FATWAH", you have attacked the United States on at least two occassions. You have successfully taken two of our buildings and the U.S.S. Cole still sails. In return, we've allowed you to send your soldiers into their chosen suicide, have taken out two countries, and sank your financial battleship. Ooooh, we are scared.

But I plan to speak about the repeated errors your President Bush has committed in comments on the results of your polls that show an overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq. But he (Bush) has opposed this wish and said that withdrawing troops sends the wrong message to opponents, that it is better to fight them (bin Laden's followers) on their land than their fighting us (Americans) on our land.

Sounds like you are going to run for office on the Democrat ticket. Who's going to be your Vice-Presidential candidate? John Edwards? Oh, I know, pick John Murtha! I feel like declaring a "fatwah" on you by pouring pig's blood on your mother's grave. Oh, you better be careful, they might torture you by taking away your sheep and if that happens, who you going to have sex with?

As for torturing men, they have used burning chemical acids and drills on their joints. And when they give up on (interrogating) them, they sometimes use the drills on their heads until they die. Read, if you will, the reports of the horrors in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo prisons.

Akbar, Ostupid, whatever your name is, if you want to know the truth, the majority of us only wish that our government wasn't so nice. What we wish for you isn't death, but a long lasting toture. To give you pig's blood to drink. In fact, it would be nice if upon capture, that we took your idiots that you call warriors and fed the through beef, made them watch more, and played Barbara Striesand's music all day, now that's torture.

I wish our soldiers would dip their bullets in pigs blood and use them against your "fatwah that you declared against us before we ever went to Afghanistan.

But if you really want to scare Americans, you don't want to shoot at our soldiers. They are too brave to run from a coward like you. They don't need to hide in caves wondering what day looks like. You won't scare Americans by going after our brave. You need to hunt down the cowards and 'kill them'

Yes Bee Ladle, I'm talking about the real infidels such as Barney Franks who is a "homosexual". Hollywood continues to pleasure infidels with movies filled with liberal infidelic propaganda. If you really wanted to scare Americans, go after the cowards that protest the war. Go after them because once you attack them, then everybody in the United States will know how serious you are. Right now, only they believe you are serious while the rest of us, the majority of us believe that your nothing but a joke.

As for the rest of us, we'd rather use a word that rhymes with yuck, but for purposes of this blog "GO FATWAH YOURSELF!!!"