First Church of Democrats
Bringing liberals closer to God since 2006
proudly talking liberalism in the bible belt

Worship songs play -
"Onward Socialist Soldier" - Choir
"Ebony And Ivory" - Duet by Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco
"Beneath The Cross Of Saddam" - Choir (Al Franken on Piano)

Good morning, afternoon, evening, or late night. We here at the First Church of Democrats are proud that you have found your way here. We want you to know, it's not important when you come, just as long as you know what to say. I'm the Revrund Jon Hair and I have a beautiful head of hair. As many of you already know, my mother is the Goddess Venus and I am her in the flesh. Thank you, thank you, how do you like my hair. Let me check the mirror, I sense that I have a strand of hair out of place. Nevermind, it's the lady in the front row breathing too hard because I'm so good looking!

Today I'll need your full attention. You are going to have to get past my good looks so I suggest that you close your eyes so you won't be mesmerized! First, we have a few announcements to make. Ladies and gentlemen, we must boycott American Idol because they are homophobic. Okay, who's stupid idea is this? It's bad enough you want me to go see Brokeback Mountain, now you want me to boycott American Idol? Screw this announcement! Whoever slipped this into the announcemnets, ask for forgiveness and donate money. Also, if you haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, please donate the ticket price and the cost of a large bucket of popcorn when the plate gets passed around.

In other announcements, our missionaries in Afghanistan and Iraq have successfully committed 4,067 acts of protest against Bush's Islamic Holocaust. Please keep the insurgents in your prayer and please donate when the plate is passed around. That's 60 this week alone!

Also, as most of you are aware, Aquaman is concerned about the new Gestapo of Homeland Security so much that he went into hiding. Aquaman, as you may recall is one of the Superfriends. He had an urgent message concerning the war in Iraq and sent a whale to warn us, but since Bush and Blair would not listen to his message, the whale died.

Finally, this is a very important announcement! Many of you in the congregation have selfishly been eating fast food. If you continue to eat fast food, the Gods will seek vengeance by making your children obese and could lead to heart attax! You may ask for forgiveness by donating twice as much as you spent when the plate gets passed around.

We'll now pass the plate whilst Hillary Clinton sings "Free At Last!", for those of you who have yet to return your unwanted tax refund, you may do so now.

Let us bow our head and make a payment. Mother Venus, we know that the time hath come that ye shalt send thy holy child to walk among us once again. Blessedeth is us to have been in your guidance, and that of the Holy Spirit, Che Guevara. We ask that you send more guidance, so that we may be great socialist.

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

♪♫ 'Like a plantation, Repubs run congress' ♫
♫♫ 'They ruined lives and destroyed our progress!' ♪
♪♫ 'To keep some in line, we remind them of their past' ♫
♫'Someday we'll sing together, ye, be free at laaaaaaaaast!'♫♪

Last week Jessica Jackstone made a couple of comments and we had many of our socialist comrades complain that she's too "Christian". Yes Revrund Jessica Jackstone "preaches in a Church" and talks about the "Bible", but ye I say unto you hath thou evert seeneth they "Reverend Jessica Jackstone actually quote the bible? Hath thou witnesseth our demanding brother ever lead people in prayer? Hath thou ever seeneth with thine owneth eyes, Mrs Jackstone teach about "Jesus"? I say unto thee, that I have yet to see Jessica Jackstone speak Jesus's name in my presence. Make no mistaketh about it, he's only leading those "Christians" into our hands!

Recently we celebrated one of our holiest days, Dr. Martin Luther King. Since last week Hal Bored put us to sleep, I mean, had an important message for us, we celebrate Dr. King today.

Tolerance! What is it? What exactly does tolerance mean? Well that's what I'm going to talk to you about. Tolerance can be summed up very simply. Take your pen and write this down. If you walk out of this church today knowing nothing else, know this. Tolerance is a one way street! You tolerate us, but we don't have to tolerate you. Let me repeat that. Tolerance is a one way street! You tolerate us, but we don't have to tolerate you.

I'm going to give you a few examples of tolerance to help clarify that. It's perfectly okay to vandalize people's activities that are intolerant of a woman's choice! In Baton Rouge recently some of our warriors destroyed 600 crosses memorializing aborted fetuses and threw them into Bushes! How ironic is that? That was a brilliant move to throw the crosses into the Bushes! They felt that all the way to the White House.

Of course, anytime you come across an anti-choice person, you put them in the same class as those that bomb the abortion clinics and shoot doctors! They are in the same class because they aren't tolerant of your beliefs!

Tolerance is allowing the rainbow flag to fly where ever it finds it self. To let our "Rainbow Warriors" march and protest where ever they and how ever they want. Some people thinks tolerance means live and let live, but they are wrong! It means enjoying watching the pride parades! It means going to cross-dressing shows! It means having them over to your house and having a quiet evening dinner with them!

Tolerance does not mean going to a "Church" where they open a bible. It does not mean letting somebody wave a confederate flag. It does not mean letting somebody drive an SUV, except of course, your socialist leaders.

It means anything a Republican says is subject to scrutiny. Anything we want to call a racial comment is and the Republican should have known ahead of time that it was going to be racist when he said it, thus qualifies him as a racist for saying.

It does not mean that Cruz Bustamante is racist when he uses the "N-word" or that Ray-cist Nagin er Willy Wonka.... Oops, I meant Ray Nagin when he said "chocolate city"

Folks, I hear a siren definitely an ambulance coming our way. It sounds like it's only two miles away so I have just enough time to say a quick prayer then I got to go! It's an emergency, I have business to tend.... uh... I mean, I have to help somebody.

Let us bow our heads and don't forget your payment. Holy Mother, we ask of you the divine guidance for those here today that have not sought out your salvation. Maybe you've strayed away from socialism and found yourself buying a new video game, a new car, or even a home. You know better than to go buy it. Deep down in your heart, you know that you are supposed wait until one of the revrunds gives it to you. Don't waste your money on a double cheeseburger from McDonald's, just give it to me! To seek salvation, they must give at least $100 to receive forgiveness and $100,000 to receive a full pardon from Father Clinton. Seek Salvation, in the name of the holy spirit, Che Guevara.

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

You may come forward now and seek redemption by clicking on the button that says Pay Pal.

Last Weeks Sermon